"First Contact isn't what it used to be!" Sisko.
How do you think I felt mate. I had to watch the fucking episode?
Not the kind of shit you had in mind when Paramount signed you up for that exciting new sci-fi show is it?Synopsis
A first contact visit on DS9, with an alien race from the Gamma quadrant obsessed with games goes awry (Come on what other way would it go?), and puts the crew in jeopardy. And it forced me to sit through this 45 minutes of guff. I mean I actually sat there writing notes about this damn episode. If that isn't above and beyond services to the blogosphere, I don't know what is.
Review
Sisko is dolled up in his dress uniform. He has little time to fret over Jake's increasing friendship with Nog. A Wadi delegation from the gamma quadrant (The first official contact with a gamma species by the way) is on its way. In a worrying early sign of what standard we can expect of the episode - the look of the Wadi is just lame! They are basically just these weird looking humans with long hair, some pink tattoo thing on their foreheads, godawful spangly shawls, and the leader Falow who has a comedy Fu Manchu beard. He looks like the right wing pundit Richard Littlejohn, if he was dressed up to star in some bizarre mid eighties panto themed porn movie (It wouldn't surprise me if Littlejohn had done this for real!) The Wadi aren't interested in all that first contact protocol spiel and cut Sisko short, they want to head to Quarks for the games. Wadi love games you see. (Sisko's "Are you fucking serious dude?" face when they snub him like this is one of the few highlights of this episode.) Sisko sits forlornly in a bar looking bored (I wrote the book on that mate!) as the Wadi barter with Quark at the dabo wheel. They then spend the next few hours winning the game consistently. Threatening to clean Quark out totally, he gets one of his Ferengi waiters to rig their game to lose. Falow catches him red handed. Quark tries to placate his pissed of patron to no avail. (He offered them their winnings and a bottle of brandy on top. Not that I am defending Quarks antics, but it makes what the Wadi do in this episode even more reprehensible) They menacingly challenge him to a game of their own. "Chula".
Of course there are!
Sisko awakes in a gaudy looking maze, which screams of "they cut the design budget we thought we were going to get." Falow appears and starts acting like a weirdo (this ain't David Lynch guys!) imploring Sisko to "Move! Move along home!" Bashir is in the maze, as is Kira and Dax. Bashir thinks that the Wadi are performing some first contact behavioural test (like rats in a maze)
Back in the bar Falow is babbling arse about "shaps" and "Chula" in his stupid game thing. And this is a huge problem with this episode. In large segments of it nothing happens, or what does happen is either meaningless or complete bunkum. The gist of the episode is that Falows board game in the bar, controls the shitty Fort Boyard / Crystal maze level thing our four heroes are trapped in, and what puzzles they must solve. Now that in itself isn't a bad idea. In the hands of a good script (and with better set design), this could have been the basis of a thrilling and well paced episode. But the whole feel of the episode is so bland and uninspiring. I think they were aiming at a sort of surreal, visually suggestive "the Prisoner" feel to the episode. Now I'm not really a huge Prisoner fan. But at least you have to give them credit for making it so visually surreal, you thought your brain had done a right turn 300 yards before sanity! Instead we just have insipid scenes in bland looking sets. One of the "games" involves just drinking a drink in a room full of partying guests and some poison gas, where drinking the drink acts as the antidote. Boooring!! The scenes in Quarks involve us watching them play some silly board game, that we don't really know the rules too, and thus don't care. The only (unintentionally) fun scene is the "Allamairaine" scene, which is seen in the still at the top. Where thy have to ponce around playing hopscotch with some little kid, and doing silly actions to the rhyme:
Allamaraine, count to four,
Allamaraine, then three more,
Allamaraine, if you can see,
Allamaraine, you'll come with me..."
which when you hear it will stick in your brain till the day you die. It will never leave your consciousness ever!!! Phil Farrand was right. Avery Brooks looks so reluctant to have to do this! Made me laugh anyway!
Odo questions Quark about the disappearance of the four of them. He surmises the pieces on the board are representations of them, and if Quark loses a piece, they will be harmed. Quark decides to take the easier route at first, whilst Odo suspects the four are on the Wadis ship somewhere. But a rescue attempt in the holodeck thingy just beams him back to the bar. Quark changes his mind and chooses a riskier but quicker route to move them all home, but rolls badly. One piece must be sacrificed to save the rest of them. Quark begs Falow not to put in such a position. Armin Shimmerman really seems to overact this part, he's literally on the floor crying and grovelling. Whether this was just Quark "playing up" to make Falow budge, or he really was this traumatised I do not know. What I do know is that they missed a chance to put a bit of pathos in the story. Quark and Odo don't know which piece represents which person. wouldn't it have been interesting to see Quark deciding to let the women he loves (Dax) live at the expense of the woman Odo loves (Kira). Or to save the Federation commander and face the wrath of Bajor over Kira, or the Federation vice versa. Missed opportunity. Falow reprograms the game to randomly kill off a player, and Bashir is zapped. But don't worry he reappears at the "home" area which is precariously located over an unstable rockface. Dax is injured and can't cross. She says she should be left, but Sisko and Kira remain with her and try to cross elsewhere upon which they fall and plummet to....
End up in Quarks bar. Falow explains they were never in any danger and glibly smirks that it was only a game anyway. He says they should try another first contact one day. Sisko looks like he wants a first contact too. Where his boot makes first contact with Falows face. The end.
Mistakes and Questions
Julian doesn't wear a dress uniform at the beginning of the episode. He claims he lost his. The real reason is that no male lead in TNG wore a blue dress uniform, so one was never made. Thus they couldn't borrow one from the props department!
I'm surprised the girl doing the "Allamaraine" rhyme didn't get zapped by the force field. She clearly fluffs the actions several times. Another chance for wanton cruelty to a child denied!
How daft is Bashir. He does the hopscotch actions to follow her, but doesn't realise he has to say the rhyme too. Duh!!!
Was Dax serious when she said she would leave Sisko if he was hurt and she wasn't?
Bettys Thought for the Day
This is one of those episodes where part of the premise actually becomes so immoral, or just plain wrong, that I feel I must downgrade the final rating purely on this basis. Even disregarding this downgrading of the score on this behalf, this is still the worst episode of the season, but it isn't quite as bad as say; "Meridian" or "Profit and Lace.", more a 3; than a 1 out of 10. No what compounds the awfulness of this episode is Falow's "it's a game" comment after the way he treated the four unwitting "contestants" in his stupid Chula thing. That comment is the default excuse of the bully (or the perennial "It's only a joke"), in justifying the tormenting of a victim who probably didn't think it was either of these at the time. Now I'm not justifying Quark cheating them, or rigging his tables to get the huge winnings back (I'm surprised these guys who love games so much, are this surprised that this does go on.) But let us reiterate how despicably Falow behaved (to people who went out of their way to welcome and entertain him and his asshole mates at that, on the part of the Starfleet officers.). Yeah he'd be angry Quark tried ripping him off, anyone would be. But, and this is the smoking gun my friends. HE KIDNAPPED AND TORMENTED INNOCENT PEOPLE AGAINST THEIR WILL TO GET BACK AT A MAN WHOSE CRIMES WERE NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THEM IN ANY WAY! That is just despicable! And not only did he do this. He PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY HARMED THEM AS WELL!! Both Kira and Bashir cried out in pain when they hit that force field during the Allamaraine nonsense. They were suffocated with nerve gas. Dax was visibly in lots of pain on the earthquake. Hell, they even thought Bashir was dead at one point, and that they would die a horrible death plummeting off a ravine! Even aside of all of this. It would be a pretty traumatic experience to subject an unprepared person to. But whatever am I blathering on about here? It was after all only a game.
Twats. I'd have blown their ship up when they left! It is after all only a game!
Summary
Move Along Home is by far the weakest episode of the first season. Whilst not as bad as the bottom end of the later seasons, it's still pretty lame. It's obviously a victim of budget cuts, but suffers from insipid design and uninspiring set pieces and imagery. Falow's actions are nigh on reprehensible and there is no fall out or negative consequence on his behalf. He just dismisses it and buggers off. Boo! I watched this episode because I had to review it. I don't think I'll be watching it again any time soon. A poor effort.
Rating 2 / 10
Next Time.
"The Nagus" Where we have the final reimagining of the Ferengi. (Ferengi v0.3). And I become entranced by a 150 year old mans ear hair.
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